I have this Feeling

I have this feeling, deep down in my chest, this feeling that things won't be okay anymore. 

I've been struggling, fighting, trying to keep back the tears, i've been having nightmares, i've been going round in circles all night, every night. 

First it was because i lived in fear that you might go nuts, then it was because i had to replay every second of every day in my head, the moment we learned what you did. I had to step up, i had to grow up not to fall apart more. To keep everyone in one piece. 

And even that, i failed. 

I wish you wouldn't haunt me this much, you already ruined ten years of my life, i don't need your ghost to ruin one more day of this freaking nightmare i'm living every day.

I have this feeling, that everyone is going forward, taking one step or two forward, and while i watch them going away, i have this feeling, that i can't move, i'm frozen in my own life. 

I have this feeling that i lived more than anyone should have to live in their entire life and i can't talk about this, i can't put word on the hell you put me through. 

And i can't breath when i think about this, and i think about it all the time. I feel like my chest is burning, like nothing is gonna be okay anymore.

I can't talk to my friends, because i realize that, i'm on my own. I can't count on anyone else but me. We were born alone, and we'll die alone, funny way of living. 

I have this feeling that no matter what i do, what i hope for, nothing is gonna happen the way i want it to. Nothing is gonna work and nothing makes sense anymore.

Did it ever make sense? no idea, don't think so.

But people often think that someday, not today but someday, things will get better… I have the feeling that if things don't get worse? it will be a miracle. I have the feeling that everyone is running away… they should, being stuck in one place is the worst thing ever.

But i can't move, can't breath, i can't think, i'm afraid of everything and i'm not sure everyone else can't get that. see?

You win!

M.